This post was inspired by a reader looking for information to get started in DD.
Right and Wrong
The first and most important point is that there is no right or wrong way of doing things – it is unique to yourselves and what you want to do and achieve. You may have seen the letters TTWD on other sites – it stands for This Thing We Do with the emphasis on WE.
Another important thing is that it is not all about having a bit of spanking fun, it is serious lifestyle choice and needs to be discussed freely with your partner at length. There are many pitfalls, but overall the scheme of this should be to agree some rules and at some point if they are broken or performance is not upto scratch then you get punished. Easy huh?
Find a quiet place where you and your partner won’t be disturbed for a few hours. Don’t have distractions like televisions, phones, tablets etc and prepare to set aside a few hours whilst you put together the framework of your DD lifestyle. During this discussion you want to open and frank with each other and at the end of it know why you want to live the DD life and what you expect to get out of it.
Also discuss punishments. You are both going to agree that when you break your own rules it will be a punishment. Can you cope with the fact that you will need to physically hurt somebody that you care for? Can you also cope with being punished? The important thing is talk about it, get agreement. If either of you don’t totally agree with the concepts or don’t fancy any part of it then don’t include it. You need to both agree otherwise at some point in the future it will not happen and that will be the start of the end of DD.
Goals and Rules
These can probably be considered as the same thing, however we have them split into goals and rules. This is a personal twist that we have and didn’t originally have it in the DD arrangement.
These are long term things that we want to achieve and are a useful set of categories that we can go back at look at the big picture without getting involved with the detail.
We have the following goals:
- Be healthy
- Be organised
- Domestic bliss
- Look good
- Our house
- Save our sanity
They are a bit vague, but make sense to us. We want to be healthy, and that includes drinking less, more excercise, eating healthier foods etc. We also want our lives to be organised – that means making arrangements for our offsprings, parents and generally keeping on top of things. Domestic bliss is where the chores are split and we (OK especially me) don’t annoy each other. Look good means that I keep clean shaven, wear neat business like clothes, regularly trim my nails, haircuts etc. Our house is just a placeholder to remind us about home improvements we want to make. Save our sanity is our reminder that even although we have work and home commitments then we still need to take the time to enjoy ourselves by having going out for dinner, going to the pub, meeting up with friends etc. Financial is all those things that we need to keep on top of like balancing accounts, looking at bills, and other boring stuff.
From some of these some rules neatly fall out, others are as I have mentioned reminders about what and where we wanna go with our lives.
We have quite a few of these now. Again the important things are communication and agreement. Not so obvious is the fact that they need to be achievable and measureable. Don’t create a rule that is going to be impossible to meet, drop the bar a bit and have something that will help you meet your goal. Also try and be precise about how the goal or rule will be met and that can be time based, event based or both. For example my reader mentioned weight loss, the rule could be lose 1 kg in a week, or for an excercise type rule, cycle at least twice in the week and achieve 10 km.
Note to self: I don’t even know if these rules are realistic – maybe I should type less and research more.
With rules allow yourselves get out clauses for occasions where it is acceptable to you both for the rules to be temporarily relaxed. Think about holidays, illness, special occasions. Example – you may need to work away at a hotel that has no fitness club, how can you acheive the excercise bike.
At the end you will have a set of rules (or goals) that you and your partner have agreed on. To change them is going to take the same effort and again you both need to arrange a time where you do this – and get agreement on.
We also have rules about challenging HOH or the rules and HOH’s interpration of them. I shall talk more of HOH and that role later.
Unless you have a completely equal relationship then one of you is going to naturaly become the more dominate and therefore the person in charge. In DD parlance they are known as the Head of the Household or HOH. HOH assumes charge of the rules and measures the compliance to them and ultimately decides what happens when they are not followed.
HOH should schedule a regular review of performance and there are many ways of doing this including the good old fashioned punishment book to high tech computer / smartphone based solutions. If you have a relationship that is not one sided then it is more a mutual arrangement with both looking closely at each other.
Be honest with each other. If you have underperformed then accept that, arguing that you couldn’t be bothered or were too busy doing other things should not be acceptable. If you weren’t going to manage to get something done then surely you knew BEFORE hand and not a week later?
HOH will quickly reach a verdict and announce that a punishment is due.
Of course, reviews do not need to be weekly and can be an ongoing thing. If something is going wrong and rules are being broken, then why wait for more? Act immediately and, if necessary, follow up with some more at the periodic review.
When rules are broken, then discipline is required. Usually HOH shall administer, but if your on an even footing then both can administer to each other.
You may find this harder to do this initially than you thought. Assuming a nice HOH in charge and a naughty partner who has not quite achieved the performance standard and both are in a loving relationship. How easy is it to raise your fists and physically hurt the other? Difficult isn’t it – you just wouldn’t do it. Therefore, by the same argument, using a spanking implement to cause someone who you care about hurt will be difficult too. Allowing it and accepting it will be difficult too.
We have taken the approach of agreeing to mutually acceptable punishments up front at the time we agreed to rules. I have suggested to my HOH a number of punishments that I would not like to get, but prepared to accept should my performance merit it. Some are for the lesser rule breaches, and others for more serious matters. Whatever happens, we have a mutual understanding and agreement about what is going to happen.
We do not use any safe words, the standards have been set and we can review them whenever we want, but once punishment time comes it is up to HOH to administer the punishments as HOH sees fit. HOH uses her judgement to assess if too little or too much, but either way there is no decision or too much emotions to get in the way.
A punishment should definately be something not to be looked forward too, too light and its really not worth the bother. It should definately be something that the recipient does not want repeated too soon. I have made the assumption that most people who read this are going to be into some form of S&M and more particularly spanking. We are too, but not all punishments need to be in this way, there are other ways of punishment including restricting or depriving of treats. Some HOH also sustain the physical punishment with some quiet time alone in the bedroom or standing in the corner before or after to allow them to reflect.
There should also be a formal element, no joking, HOH should take control and direct you into position. We have a standard position that I have to adopt. It gives HOH a good chance of striking the target area with little effort and makes for most pain.
After the punishment make sure that you both hug and show each other that you both care. Both are forgiven, and there are no bad feelings and you can now move forward without any bad feelings or moods.
Initially it may seem like fun but ask yourselve if you can handle a spanking that is going to hurt, possibly even lead to cries to stop or tears. If it’s a boudoir spanking from a semi-naked maiden to spice up life in the bedroom then possibly DD is not for you. You have both agreed to rules and punishments so whatever happens may be a shock to the system first time especially if you really only wanted a bit of kink. Are you up to be spanked when HOH decides when possibly you’re not in the mood? Future HOH – don’t let this be an excuse, effective punishments lead to less rule violations and ultimately your goals will be realised. Now that’s what you want to do this for isn’t it?
We have several specialist implements that are used for punishments. We have elevated one of them to almost superstar status and named it as HOH Strap. This is HOH’s favourite, it is easy to use, nasty to receive and synonomous with DD. I would suggest you get something similiar, even putting it on a hook in the bedroom showing that it is there to be used.
So what happens when there’s been no punishments for a while? Maintenance Spankings shortened to Maintenance is the answer.
Over time the pain of punishment will subside and behaviours will revert. It is for this reason that HOH is encouraged to regularly administer a maintenance spanking. This give HOH the chance to keep their hand in and to emphasis that DD is still around and misbehaviour WILL result in something a lot worse.
We try and do maintenance every Wednesday morning and if its missed then it just happens at the next most opportune time. I even have to remind HOH if she has forgotten. Six strokes from her HOH Strap is the regular dose. Its a very sharp reminder about what that strap is capable of. I can usually look over my shoulder and see the determination in HOH’s face as she cracks it down. I know HOH (and the Strap) have a lot left in reserve and that is effective maintenance – a gentle reminder of who is in charge and the consequences.
We don’t do these correctly, however who’s to say any other way is wrong either. The purpose of Boot Camps is to have, usually, a weekend set aside when you do nothing except talk, act and sleep Domestic Discipline. It is an opportunity to establish the HOH and take each other out of their own comfort zones. By this I mean you will get a punishment that is very hard by your own standards or in the case of HOH have to administer it. Trust me its harder than it sounds from both sides.
When we do boot camps we tend to have a week when maintenance is performed daily and every task or rule is taken to extremes and punishments dished out accordingly. For us the idea is to get us back into the way of the DD routine and making sure things gets done.
However you choose to do it is entirely up to you, but do take the time to plan it out in advance and if spending an entire weekend, make sure that you don’t need to stop to go out and goto the shops or have any other things that get in the way. For us, our weekends are precious to us and we don’t want to give them up by staying in the house all weekend.
Other Hints and Tips
Whatever you make your DD arrangement is entirely up to yourselves. I’ve given some ideas from what we do and have found to work for us. Its up to you to find what works for you.
Getting the rules recorded is definately something that needs to be done. Having a strong HOH who interprates them is also important.
Don’t make up rules on the fly, think about them before hand and agree to them and try and stick to them.
Allow yourselves days off – days when you both agree you’re not going to engage in DD.
Allow flexibility in the rules and review them to ensure that they’re actually what you want to do.
Take punishment time seriously. It is meant to deter future bad behaviour and should do so. For the punisher, you have more than your partners consent to punish – your partner WANTS or NEEDS you to punish to acheive goals. Don’t let them down. For the punishee – as just mentioned you want your partner to punish you so help you acheive your goals. Don’t be suprised when you get a call for a punishment – it is for the greater good.
Don’t let not being in a mood for a spanking get in the way. This is not for sexual relief.
Remember this is within a loving relationship to achieve goals, don’t let it become abuse.
Initially, start with a few rules and keep them simple. Add rules later once you get into the way of things.
How you interprate the rules is entirely up to individuals and moods. Some go for a complete strict approach with absolutely no allowances, others go for a more relaxed approach. We tend to stick to the relaxed approach most of the time.
Punishment time is also something that couples do differently. Some like a weekly assessment and perform punishments at this time, whilst others like to act immediately or at the first convenient time – “Wait ’till I get you home”. Having the best of both works too. An immediate punishment as soon as the offence is committed, with a weekly to cover all the others. There is also the option of having a punishment BEFORE any offence might be committed to encourage good behaviour. Imagine you are both going out to a dinner party and you don’t want your partner getting too drunk again as they did last time… You get the idea.
Punishments don’t need to be limited to spanking bums.
Above all, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re doing it wrong. Your Domestic Discipline arrangment is yours to do what you want to do, however if you want advice, then ask.
And lastly, enjoy your new Domestic Discipline lifestyle. It can be rewarding, even humbling after a punishment when you both get together hug, kiss and make up. It takes a lot of stresses and tensions out of the relationship. You may also find that you say sorry a bit more too.
I hope I’ve made it clear that it takes dedication and communication from both in the relationship to enter into the realm of a DD lifestyle. If you don’t feel comfortable with any of the issues, then its likely its not for you. The secret is in the agreements upfront and the openness about what is acceptable even although it will cause one or both pain. The rewards are there for those who enter into DD. If you upset your partner, then a few swift strokes later then its time to make up again. It can reduce a lot of the stresses of relationship and make for, as my HOH calls it, domestic bliss. Enjoy.